Can I be vulnerable with you?

As much as I like to cheer others onto succeed at their goals and overcome fears,  I find that quite often, I am just as afraid of success as those I’m cheering on. I didn’t think I was, and in fact never understood being afraid of success.  It seemed absurd to me – who fears being great at something?

Well, apparently I do. Oops.

Fear of Success

See, to be great at something requires work. Hard work. And hard work is not typically something I want to pursue. I’d rather keep life fun and easy.

Yes, I’ve put in a lot of hard work to change my physical body, and I’ve seen it pay off, so I didn’t think I feared hard work or success. However,  that’s just one area of my life. (And to be honest, I don’t feel I’ve really succeeded yet).

Now I’m at a place where I’m trying to build a personal training business and brand out of me, which requires the use of a website, blog, videos, photos, and self-promotion – in other words, lots of attention focused on me. If I succeed, people will look at me. I’ll be held accountable to doing things well.

I’ll have to admit that I’m not immediately great at everything, and struggle for excellence. To build a great brand, I have to lay all of me on the line. Truthfully, I’ve discovered I’d rather just hide behind decent work, make excuses for why I’m not excellent, and maintain a mediocre business and level of success that doesn’t  hold me to higher standards.

Does anyone else struggle with this?

Building this business, where I encourage others to look deep within themselves to the real fears, insecurities, and reasons behind lack of progress, has forced me to do the same. After all, I can’t teach what I haven’t learned, right?

What did I discover? That I like to appear strong on the outside, because it hides the inside that often feels weak. That sometimes, the hard work is more for the approval of others than for myself. Yep, I just admitted that.

What else have I discovered?

Outer Transformation Does Not Transform the Inside

That unfortunately, physical transformation can’t transform the inside. Outward strength doesn’t make me strong inside. Controlling what I eat doesn’t bring control or freedom to my life.

Many of you have told me your struggles, so I know I’m not alone in this.  Some of you struggle with under-eating to find a sense of control, or overeating to find comfort. Others try to protect yourselves with extra weight, hiding your beauty with a less-than-ideal figure to prevent being sexualized. And some stay just slightly overweight because you’re comfortable with mediocrity and fear failure.

We can search all day on Google and YouTube for “lose weight fast” tips and “get a bikini body” programs, but if our weight is an emotional and spiritual issue, quick tips aren’t going to do us any good.

No matter how physically fit I look, God and I still know that there are poor choices I make, ways I settle, and weaknesses in my mind and spirit that keep me from truly being my best.

In the process of starting my own training business, God has been calling me out and forcing me to look at my fears. Like a scary movie, I don’t want to look, but as I slowly peek through my fingers covering my eyes, God brings healing to insecurities through his love.

He’s breaking strongholds, and teaching me that as I let him transform my insides, the physical transformation comes much easier, and it’s just the cherry on top.